Love is love, right? When someone loves you, they should just know how to show it… right? Well, apparently that is not always the case, says Gary Chapmen, author of The Five Love Languages. And with the amount of strain, pain, and dissolution of marriage these days, I would have to agree. A husband and wife rarely have the same love language, and though they may love one another deeply, they may not always show it in ways that their spouse can clearly perceive it.
In much the same way that the languages of the world differ, so do emotional languages, and if you are trying to express love in one language when your spouse only understands another, miscommunications and frustrations will abound. The key to giving your spouse of fiancée the love he needs – and to receive what you want as well – is to learn what speaks love to him.
If we are to develop an intimate and lasting relationship, we must learn to communicate love clearly. This is not a way of placing one under the control of another, it is simply learning to love in a way that fosters and ensures a deep connection.
Chapmen says that the five primary ways people feel or express love is through: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
Words of Affirmation
Actions do not always speak louder than words. If this is your man’s love language, unsolicited compliments will make him swoon. Say “I love you” often, and let him know just how much he means to you and how much you appreciate, respect, and admire him. Insults and cruel speech are often words never forgotten for this person, so be very careful in how you handle arguments.
Full, undivided attention; face-to-face communication; regular dates; and always “being there” are essential to the person whose love language is quality time. If this is your sweetheart, always maintain eye contact to let him know hear him. Do not text, peruse Facebook, or interrupt, and listen for key feelings and affirm them.
This language is not the same as materialism, and it would be a mistake to treat it as such. Rather the gift signifies care and thought for the receiver. The gift shows that you value him enough to make a loving effort, and that you prize him above monetary savings. The perfect gift shows that he is known. Thoughtless purchases are hurtful, and missed birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays can be catastrophic.
Acts of Service
For this person, cooking, washing the car, walking the dog, or hopping up to get him a soda shows love. Anything that eases the burdens of life speaks volumes to his heart. Not following through on commitments or creating more work for him makes this person feel as though he does not matter.
The man whose primary love language is physical touch needs much more than just sex, though I am pretty sure sex will not be turned down. 😉 Holding hands, lingering hugs, cuddling, and tender caresses mean everything to this person. Physical proximity and accessibility are essential, and abuse or rough treatment can be destructive.
So how do you know is your or your lover’s love language? A few ways to recognize it is by asking these three questions:
- How do you/he show love?
- What do[es] you/he ask for most often?
- What is your/his biggest frustration?
If you would like to know more about The Five Love Languages or to discover your language, go here.
photo credit: livelikeyourrich.com